Attachment

“What am I going to do?” Tanya sobbed. “If I don’t come up with the rent money in three weeks, I’m going to be evicted!”

She got an idea as she overheard a random conversation on the bus. “I’ll pretend to be psychic.”

“Hi, there,” Ray said, “I need to know what’s going to happen with my love life.”

Tanya gazed deep into the crystal ball. “Oh, this is bad!”

“What, why?”

“The bartender at your local tavern will be in a state of despair, because she found out that she is barren. She sliced her husband into pieces, and buried his remains in the garden. She visits the cemetery, and leaves an offering of her own blood on the graves of her infant ancestors in hopes of becoming fertile. She is obsessed with you, and she’s going to shackle you in the basement.”

“Shit!” Ray replied, “I’m supposed to go to the tavern with my buddies tonight. Maybe I should cancel.”

“Just be careful.”

As Ray ordered his drink, he noticed that the bartender winked at him. He grabbed her, and threw her down the basement steps. Then he chained her to the wall. He was beaten to death by a group of bikers.

“I need some advice on where my career is going,” Donna said.

Tanya spread out the tarot cards, and picked up the first one. “You will be in a minor car accident, and shatter your finger.”

She lifted up the second card. “You have Steven’s child growing inside of you.”

Then she revealed the last card. “Steven has a secret. He is married.”

Donna burst into tears. “That pig! I really fucked up getting knocked up by my literary agent!”

Donna got hit by a bus as she crossed the street.

“I need to know how long my health is going to last,” Edward said.

Tanya pretended to read his palm. “Well, I’ll try to put this to you gently. Your girlfriend is conceited, and she has powerful psychic abilities. She is quite mischievous, and she has a whole blog devoted to your future sexual problems. People find this to be quite hilarious.”

Edward beat his girlfriend to a pulp, and was shot by the police.

Tanya attended a seance hoping to make her phony abilities look more convincing. The seance was led by a gypsy with a dead eye, and half of her face was missing. As the spirits were summoned, they heard raps on the wall, and the table began to levitate.

“Malachi!” the dead-eyed gypsy shouted, “Malachi!” She scratched her yellow talon-like nails across the table. Her body shook in violent fits. She vomited up a vile mixture of blood, and pus. She pointed at Tanya, and screamed out, “Malachi!” Then she passed out.

Tanya gave away everything she owned. “I must make penance,” she said over, and over as she prepared to live out the rest of her days as a homeless prostitute.